I feel called to share something delicate about the sexual assault stories that are coming out daily.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that I am turned off by women who slam Trump because of the degrading nature of their language. I also understand their outrage.​​

In the same vain, I am concerned that the outpouring of sexual assault stories could harm some undeserving men in ways that are devastating to their lives, and that bothers me. 

I haven’t seen anyone talking about this and I want to.

Firstly, I am a huge advocate of women telling their stories of sexual assault. It is clearly time because we are being heard and change is happening. What a privilege to see significant cultural change when it comes to the sexualization and victimization of women.

​​It is also humbling for me because I realize, not necessarily in a bad way, how far we still have to travel in terms of equality and gender. Sometimes I think, Are we really still dealing with this? Sometimes my white privilege tricks me into thinking that, as a society, we are so much more evolved than we are.

​​I am a victim of sexual assault ​​​​​​and I spoke up. I was at university in England, I was 21, and I was drunk at the time it happened. After returning from the police station to make the report, many of my room mates said they couldn’t support me because I hadn’t told them I was going to go to the police about it. That reasoning felt bizarre and off. I felt blamed and shamed and unsupported. Thank God for Claire who held my hand.

If you desire to speak up, I support you. If you don’t desire to speak up, I support you. Either way, a movement is taking place and it feels necessary, and beautiful, and sad.​​

I can’t help but wonder if some women are lying and jumping on the band wagon with their accusations. I tense up knowing that even an acknowledgment of that thought makes me anti-woman. It is akin to a blame-the-victim attitude, which is a complete no-no in my book. And, yet, I still think it.

Maybe the question about women lying isn’t a helpful one because I know, in my heart, that most of these brave women are truth tellers .

I still wonder because the fall out for these men is significant. Their lives are being turned upside down in ways I cannot comprehend as they are shamed, fired, and vilified.

To the men that are real predators, I want to say that you deserve such repercussions, but I don’t believe that anyone deserves to be treated in a way that’s less than human. Similarly, I don’t believe an eye for an eye, or, the death penalty are human solutions. 

I do believe ​​that actions have consequences, and you are experiencing them.

To any men that have been falsely accused, I am sorry.​​ It’s tricky for you because if you accuse your accuser of lying you will be vilified even more. Is it the price you, and we all, have to pay in order for our society to evolve?

I also question how normal some behavior was, decades ago, when many of these claims date back to. I’m not talking about the men who clearly abused their power and assaulted women. I’m talking about some men, who didn’t know what they were doing was wrong because of what was considered normal or appropriate in that moment.

You might say the very fact they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong is ridiculous and deserves repercussions. Maybe so. My heart feels more compassionate than that black and white statement, and is open to the grey.

I keep wanting to list an example of what might be “grey,” like a guy making an unwanted pass, or, grabbing ​​a woman’s ass without permission, but the truth is the details don’t matter. What matters is the level of emotional response it creates in the woman. That is why small things can be responsible for a lifetime of hurt. I could label something as small in my mind with no idea of how it left another woman feeling. With that said, who I am to be considerate of men and their behaviors?

Still I do because I’m human, and this subject is complex. I want to be considerate of all. 

What I’m calling The Some Men​​ Rule- men who didn’t do anything wrong, or, who crossed a few lines that were considered normal and ok by both men and women – helps me open my heart and not simply shame and degrade.

Ladies, I’m excited for where we are, who we’re being, and where we’re headed. Men, the rules are changing. It’s about time. Some Men, I feel for you and, with this evolution, I hope we have more skills and tools to teach you what is acceptable and what isn’t. 

​​After all, this uprising isn’t about man-hating, it’s about woman-loving.​​
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Much Love,
Sarah xxx

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